...About Silence and big elephants... (a few thoughts about the sessions at the international summer program on holocaust 2005)

In almost every session we had to deal with a problem, which soon got on everyone’s nerves: silence. The worsest expression of this silence appeared every morning in the so-called open forums which were meant to be a chance for us to utter observations, feelings and critics. But since it was meant as a chance for us it worked into the wrong direction. A flood of words stagnated every single time after introduction words of our facilitators or a few comments frome some of us.

What was the reason for the fact that most of us had such a problem with talking about things some had on the tip of their tongue?

Still when the European and American group met on Monday the 8th of August 2005 in Berlin there was a strange atmosphere in our round of talks (which was more one without talks…). Two strange teams which got used to each other in their seperated group the days before collided with each other. But it was an somehow unspectacular collision because nothing more happened than looking at each other with many question marks in each and everyone’s eyes... Every outsider would think we have lots to talk about. But nothing productive at all happened. To come to solutions we were split up into little groups of five each and in this new constellation the most were successful in approximation. Afterwards it seemed as if a dam was bursted in the big round of talks.
But still the next morning there was the silence again…Soon we had a name for it: elephant. “There is a big elephant in the room”. And we had to deal with this huge “animal” from day to day again…

At the beginning there was a clear reason for the tension: we all were strangers for each other. Various people from different cultures, religions and nations had to become comfortable and learn to deal with each other. Of course, different knowledges of speech were a problem too. The fears of getting in touch with each other decreased a bit but very slowly from session to session. It was much more easier to communicate in the free time outside the program, soon people find to each other. But as soon as it got to the big round of talks the most had problems to explain their feelings and thoughts concerning a certain problem. There was this strange feeling as if some just had something burning in them but not the courage to say. And it seemed so too as if much untruths or half-truths were spoken out instead of things which would bring us more further. We kept stepping on one point and didn’t make any great progress. Noone really followed Björns advice to take our entirely chance to ask each other the questions we really wanted to ask before the program ends. Everyone asked comfortable questions. Nobody was courageous to ask the questions which were in everyone’s head. The uncomfortable ones. The unpleasent ones. The questions which go deep and which hurt. And that’s how the silence came up. We simply did’nt trust each other.

Was the reason fear of saying someone’s opinion? Or fear to hurt someone with a question? Was it the thought to have no right to ask certain questions? Was it consideration? To make the ones who suffer most not make suffer more? To bring my own person to my limits but at the same time to make sure that I’m not allowed to do so with others? Surely the most had thoughts of this kind in their head. A big insecurity in the dealing with each others personalities as descendants of the perpetrator – nation, a by-stander – nation, descendants of people who were killed in the Holocaust and Holocaust – survivors.

But exactly this was the actual reason we were here. The dealing with each other should be the main reason for the participation at the ISPH, but everyone seemed to push this fact back.
From time to time there were moments the silence disappeared nearly complete but also moments which seemed to be a setback.

My feeling is that the silence somehow did’nt disappear for the whole until the end of the program. Still in the last sessions it was like there is unfinished business noone wants to mention.
Nevertheless, throughout the program we more and more learned to trust each other and to be more honest with each other ‘cause it was the only chance to get to our limits and to get something out of the program. To learn about the difficulties the Holocaust brought us as descendants too. ‘Cause one of these is the silence, the unability to speak about what has happened and to weigh out how to treat victims and perpetrators, in our case the descendants of them.

The 4th of December 2005

A one day trip to Berlin to see stones – stones of life


The alarm clock rings at 5 o’ clock. Two eyes have a hard time with opening themselves. A walk through the dark and still sleepy Leipzig in the early morning. A few people who seem to end their long night; me and myself: I’m on the way to Leipzig main station to catch my train at 7:04 am to Berlin Zoologischer Garten. I’m on my way to share a special day with the one person that touched me like no other did before. Deep in my heart and my soul. The one who made that come alive for me which was only an abstract noun I read in a history book before, that I had only seen in a movie or on television. A topic which touched me before too, but nevertheless it was always a dead topic.

It is now about three months ago since I met Sylvia the first time at the International Summer Program on the Holocaust. She was talking to our group about her parents’ story and for me it was the most touching moment of the whole program. The reactions of the others showed me: We feel the same. Right from the moment she started speaking she had a special place in my heart. But I was afraid whether she would let me into her’s.

Now I am going to see her again.
I do not know how to come to Sylvia, I only have her geographical description, that’s why I planned enough time to find her appartment. To be honest: I have absolutely no problem to find it and I guess I need about 15 minutes from Bahnhof Zoologischer Garten to Goßlerstraße 15. Ok, there I am and I don’t know what to do. Go to her? But maybe she’s still sleeping or is having a shower (it was 10:30 am)? I walk a little around in the area and then I remind myself that I need to pee and decide to ring at her door. Thank god, she is here but noone askes through the intercom who’s there. The door unlocks and I walk through a (I guess) typicall Berlin backyard. And there she is: The same small and sweet women I saw months ago. She’s screaming: “Claudia!” And she hugs me. I’m so glad to see her (and that she’s not angry about me being about 1 ½ hours too early…). She welcomes me and asks me to sit down in her small and beautiful kitchen. I look around. Pictures everywhere. She offers me tea and shows me an article which was published in a newspaper today about her story. We talk about several things, about her day and she asks me how I am and what happened.
It’s a cloudy and rainy day. There is one moment the sun comes out and Sylvia is emotionally touched. It’ so beautiful to watch her reaction of pleasure. She lets me share her feelings.
I walk around in her apartment. A small but nice one, and all over the place: photographs. Her mom and dad, her sisters. I feel the warmth and beauty in her residence. It’s modest – but full of love.

The opening ceremony of Nathan’s and Malcha’s Stolpersteine starts at 1 pm. The small place on the sidewalk on Raumerstraße in Berlin fills with people. More and more are coming to share this moment. Most are friends of Sylvia, people who love her and people who helped her to fullfill her wish. But also strangers, who probably read about the ceremony in the newspaper. Sylvia welcomes everyone she knows and everyone who comes to her. She’s not getting tired of doing this, she welcomes each and everyone with the same passion and delight. Her crying and tears of joy are audible all over the place; you could identify her out of hundreds of people…
The ceremony starts. Sylvia is laying down a rose beneath the two stones. Minutes later the small space around them will be filled with roses.
She starts to speak. She has the gift to affect everyone she speaks so deep in their hearts ‘cause every word she says is coming deep out of her soul. She’s telling her story and I cannot prevent myself from crying. It’s the same as it was on ISPH. I adore her for her ability to speak out and to allow people to share her journey.
She’s talking about what it means for her to be here today – at this place, for this reason. She talks about Malcha and Nathan. She let’s us feel them deep in our heart. She thanks everyone who’s there, she thanks a few people by name. She’s telling us that she brought her parents back home. And that we made a another small step on the long road to find ourselves in being with her here at this place - today.
Her sister speaks too. A women sings. She fills the whole street with her voice, everyone who’s out there is unable to detach from the matter we are all here for. I’m sure everyone feels the strength of what we’re doing at this moment. A man speaks a prayer. One can sink into this moment.
The whole time Sylvia is holding a picture of her parents. Everyone can see them. Everyone can feel they’re home. Now Sylvia has a place to go and mourn.